Sunday, May 15, 2005
found peace in church.lost peace as i stepped back across the gates.hmm. actually i do pray everyday. before eating. out of habit.so technically i am keeping in contact with God, but in real sense its a whole different picture.everytime something really sad happens to me, i'd have this deep talk with Him.`i'm sorry, Father. i let you down again.i truly wish you didn't have to keep hurling distresses into my life to keep me from going too far astray. i wish could have the innocence i once had, and your assuring voice at the back of my head constantly keeping me from doing stupid things.i pray for your guidance, that i will learn to be disciplined enough to build and maintain a close relationship with you, and i pray that you will help me to pray with diligence each night, not just before eating, and also keep you in my thoughts in all my judgements.i try hard to remember to ask myself 'what would Jesus do?' before taking any actions, an attempt to keep me from regretting what i do.*yadda yadda blahblah. on and on.and just the next day, renewed with a peaceful heart and a serenity, i'd go back to husiluansiang-ing and start walking in ways that well, he'd definately not be proud to see me walking in.with each success, i draw away from you, relying instead on my own strengths and abilities that you have lovingly inculcated in me.*
for one thing. i'm supposed to honour my parents. that includes hiM. the dingdongkingkongfor another. i'm not supposed to like, be bendy. ughh give me time, i'm getting over her.and most importantly, i'm not supposed to dishonour my life. yet i want so much to die. actually i don' t really know anymore. i don't feel a thing towards living, somehow.the good thing is, no one suspects me of being a suicidal case. (i am NOT) -i think. hope. ok know.the bad thing is, He knows. dng. the Father is omniscience. and by the minute my guilt is growing. gnawing. eating me out.because if someone in this time ever did love me, it'd be God. yet i am such a mess and i cause Him so much pain. how could i do this to Him? sigh. i'm cant be that wicked, can i.no.okay.talking to myself again.they should just bundle me off to the looneybin. shucks, i really wanna wear the thick white entwined-sleeved suit thingy! looks so warm and comfy. and the white padded walls, ohh the pretty padded walls. though the smell of prescriptions for restraining is quite ickywicky. if only imh didn't rely so much on western medication. not that eastern smells any better.i'm a disgrace to all baptists. so much for thinking a little talk with myself would do me good.bah.love, (yah you wish.)me
5:14 PM
reach for
the stars(:
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